Day's Diary

July 23, 2007 ~ Bride Price

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The Bride Price is a practice in many countries of the groom having to pay the bride’s family a certain amount of money for the right to marry the bride. This was an accepted practice in the some European countries under the label of a dowry, but hasn’t been widely accepted for many years, especially with the coming of the feminist movement. Actually, it raises many questions here, especially among the young men who need to pay the price. One of my students explained it to me as more of a “thanks” to the parents for raising such a fine daughter, but then he asked, with a smile, why his parents shouldn’t be honored for raising such a fine son. He said he asked his wife that and she just laughed at him but didn’t give him an answer. He said he paid the price because he loves his wife. It is more widely practiced in the central and northern part of the country than it is here in the south, but it is still practiced. Culturally there are things, such as this, that are difficult for those of us from the Northern hemisphere to accept in Africa. We have definite thoughts about them, but sometimes relationships and fully understanding situations modify our views or our actions. That is the situation I found myself in regarding this bride price.

The end of the first term, I got into a conversation with a second year student of mine who walks every morning past my house with a little girl. He is tall and she is small and so he leans forward with great gentleness to be able to hold her hand as she walks beside him and they talk or sing together, on their way to the child care center here on campus. His gentleness touched me deeply and I took that opportunity to tell him so. He gave a small smile and lowered his eyes as he told me that meant a great deal to him since he is trying to be a good father and mother to his daughters. Just before the beginning of his first year, his wife died, leaving him with two young daughters to rear, ages 4 and 2 at the time (now 5 and 3). His synod asked that he be allowed to have housing for his family, since he had no one else to care for the children and the request was granted. He is a single father, studying and raising his daughters.

During second term, he told me of his desire to marry the daughter of one of the lecturers here at the college who is from the north, who has been helping him with the girls. It began as an offer of help and grew into love for all of them, Abie, Rachel and the girls. They planned to be married during the break between second and third term. I was happy for all of them. About a week before the end of the term, Abie asked if he could meet with me and I said yes. When he arrived, he had a difficult time making eye contact with me. He sat in my living room looking at the floor. I asked him what I could do for him and he stumbled a bit, then he said he didn’t know how to ask what he wanted to ask and maybe he shouldn’t and he got up to leave. I insisted that he sit down again and ask his question. He explained that his parents are subsistence farmers in the north, unable to help him in any way. He has been on his own since he was 14 years old, which is why he needed to bring his daughters with him to school. He has worked to make ends meet. He thought that he had everything worked out for the wedding, but he didn’t have the bride price that was asked. He thought it might be omitted but that was not the case. It was a matter of honor and respect, he was told. He had tried everything he knew, but he couldn’t raise the amount needed, so he was coming to me. He said he knew that he had no right to ask if I could loan him the money and would understand if I said no; he just didn’t know where else to turn. I asked him what would happen if he didn’t have the money. He said there would be no wedding. That is the culture of the north.

I have received a great many requests for assistance in the time that I have been here. That is part of being a foreigner in Malawi, but this was a first and I was torn. Everything from my upbringing said it was wrong to pay money for a person and yet that is not the understanding here. This is part of the culture, changing, but still a part. Then I looked at Abie. I knew his love for Rachel and his love for his daughters. I knew his delight in the prospect of this marriage. I knew how hard it as for him to come to me and ask. I thought of another Rachel, one from Genesis, who came at a great price to the one who loved her. I told him to consider the money a wedding present from me, to do with as he saw fit. That cleared my conscience a bit and it gave him what he needed.

Saturday, July 21, Abie and Rachel were married in a small village above Livingstonia. They returned to campus today Mr. and Mrs. Abimeleck Munthali and family. That is how they will begin the third term, as a family. While I am still opposed, in principle, to a bride price, I am so happy that the way was cleared for them to become a family.